Variations on a Theme of Loneliness
by ThePlaceboEffects
Summary: Six years after Emma and Regina part ways, they're brought back together on Christmas Eve to catch up, reminisce, and maybe even start over?


**A/N:** Shout out to my beta Jaye for being the voice of reason that makes my fics better. Y'all should also thank her for the ending, because without her lowkey yelling at me it would have ended a little differently.

Without further ado, enjoy!

* * *

 **December 24th – Storybrooke, Maine**

Regina walked into the supermarket on Christmas Eve, dusting snow off of her coat as she entered the building. She needed to pick up a few stray items that she had forgotten when she went shopping earlier that week. Christmas with her parents was always less than appealing, but she had been dodging them (mainly her mother) long enough that she had run out of reasons not to come. Bread, rosemary, a box of chocolates. Regina ticked the stray items off her list as she moved up and down the aisles, happy for any excuse to be out of the bare, lonely house she kept in Storybrooke. Her father had _begged_ her several times to stay at the family mansion, but she couldn't bring herself to spend any more time under her mother's roof than absolutely necessary.

As she passed the pasta, she casually looked down the aisle and almost dropped her basket. A woman with her leather jacket slung over her arm was kneeled down, comparing various sauces. But that wasn't what stopped Regina dead in her tracks. It was the tattoo on the woman's shoulder. The unmistakable tattoo that had been in her dreams for years, but she never thought she'd see again. A dreamcatcher, where instead of a flower or star in the middle, was a crown.

Emma.

Regina picked up her pace, nearly jogging up to her. Steeling her resolve, she tapped the woman on her tattooed shoulder.

The blonde looked up, confusion etched on her face, before her eyes lit up and she sprung up from where she was crouching, pulling Regina into a bone-crushing hug.

"Regina! I didn't recognize you for a second!" She held Regina at arms length, looking her up and down. "Your hair, it's longer."

"Yeah." Regina ran a hand self-consciously through hair that was still foreign to her; for the first time in over a decade it went down her back. "I got extensions a few weeks ago."

"I love it, it looks great!" Emma smiled at her, and Regina's heart skipped a beat. She didn't realize how much she missed Emma until she was face to face with her; the sorrow that had faded to a dull ache was back with a vengeance. "How long are you in town for?" Emma asked, throwing a random can of pasta sauce into her basket and picking it up off the floor, along with the jacket that she had haphazardly discarded.

"I didn't realize you moved back to Storybrooke," Regina said, shifting her own shopping basket onto her other arm. "I'm only in town for the weekend, then back to work."

"Aw, damn. So..." Emma looked down at Regina's basket. "You done shopping?"

"Oh," Regina was momentarily taken aback. "Yeah, I'm done."

"Wanna go check out then?" Emma smirked. "I assume you haven't forgotten how grocery stores work."

"Very funny Miss Swan," Regina huffed, rolling her eyes.

"Actually," Emma held up her left hand, "it's Mrs. Swan. Kept the last name but you know..."

"Oh. Well congratulations." Regina felt herself deflating, even though she knew in her heart that she had no right to.

"I would have invited you to the wedding, but with your schedule… I didn't know if you'd be able to make it."

"You didn't have to invite me Emma, honestly. Don't worry." Regina smiled, but it didn't quite reach her eyes.

They stood in line, making small talk among the other last-minute grocery shoppers, paying for and bagging their groceries side-by-side.

"I guess... I'll be seeing you then." Regina took her two grocery bags and started for the door.

"You free tonight?" Emma blurted out. The blonde's eyes went wide, as if she didn't mean for that thought to be vocalized.

"Um..." Regina thought it over for a second. She didn't have anywhere to be in particular, but spending the night with her ex probably wasn't the best course of action for her heart. "Yeah, I am." She was never good at doing what was sensible.

They walked out to the carpark, and Regina started looking up and down the rows of cars for Emma's obnoxious yellow Volkswagen. Instead, she was surprised when Emma pulled out a car remote, and the headlights of a black Range Rover flashed a few cars down. Emma opened the trunk, and set down her few groceries. Awkwardly, Regina put hers in on the other side of the trunk, making sure to keep their purchases separate.

Emma closed the trunk and got in the front seat, leaning over the center console to open the passenger door for Regina. "Where to? The Rabbit Hole?" Regina asked with a smirk as she hopped in.

"Actually, a few new places opened since you were last here. We can drive around a bit?"

"Yeah, okay." Regina was berating herself for acting so awkward; there was absolutely no need for it, and yet, since she'd found out Emma was married, she felt out of sorts, like she was stumbling to catch up.

"So, when did you get the Range Rover?" Regina asked. "I thought you'd have that metal coffin on wheels forever."

Emma laughed. "I finally traded in the bug a little over a year ago, after it broke down the the thousandth time." She signaled, and turned out of the store's parking lot. Regina kept thinking that she looked wrong behind the wheel of such a large car, but that wasn't her business. "And when the car dealer laughed and offered me forty-five dollars for the crap-heap, hubby got it for me for my birthday."

Emma's wedding ring shone under the streetlights, taunting Regina every time she saw it sparkling in the corner of her eye. Regina kept her gaze focused ahead, taking in all the new little businesses that had opened since her departure. Nearly all of them were closed, of course. The snow was still falling, coming down a little heavier as they drove through town.

They drove past several bars, all with their 'open' signs turned off for the night.

"Maybe this was a bad idea..." Regina muttered.

"Nah, there's one place I know that'll be open." Emma pulled into the parking lot of a liquor store which, to Regina's surprise, was still open.

"I'll go get something, you can wait here." Emma said, turning the car off. "Just like old times," Emma winked as she got out of the car.

"Yeah." Regina said into the silence.

She watched Emma walk away, pulling her leather jacket tighter as she trudged through the snow and into the shop, and she smiled to herself. No matter how much had changed, Emma was impractically dressed, as always. Regina flicked through her phone, reading emails and committing to memory the myriad of flights she would be getting on once the Christmas weekend was over.

Emma came back shortly afterwards, with a six-pack of Strongbow cider cradled under her arm, and a pack of cigarettes clutched in her ungloved hand.

"You smoke?" Regina asked as Emma got in the car, bringing a gust of cold air in with her. "You always used to disapprove."

"Ehh." The blonde shrugged. "Not enough to call it a habit, but more than I'd like to."

"Where to now?" Regina asked, moving to buckle her seatbelt.

"No place like the here and now my friend." Emma dropped the six-pack on the ground, and ripped open the top of the box in one swift motion. She pulled out two cans of cider and cracked them open, handing one to Regina.

"That's not legal." Regina said, pointing to the now open case on the floor of the front seat.

"It's Storybrooke, no one cares." Emma cracked open her can, and Regina followed suit. "A toast to times gone by." Emma raised her can. Regina lips curved upward, and she tapped her can against Emma's. The blonde took a sip. "The stuff you buy in the stores was never as good as yours," she mused.

"Well no shit." Regina quirked an eyebrow, "it's _carbonated_." Regina took a sip of her drink and grimaced.

"Okay okay Miss Priss." Emma took another sip. "It's not _horrible_."

"Such a shining recommendation, they should print that on the can."

"Do you still make apple cider?"

Regina sighed. "Not really. It's time consuming, and I'm not really in one place long enough to ferment it anyways."

They sat in comfortable silence for a while. Emma searched through her jacket pocket for a lighter, and took out the pack of cigarettes. "Do you mind?" She asked Regina.

"Go ahead." Regina eyed her over the top of her can.

"You want one?" Emma held the package in Regina's direction. She shook her head no.

Emma cracked the window on her side, and lit the cigarette. Smoke plumed from the orange tip, curling through the air and ticking Regina's nose.

"So, you're married?" Regina asked, playing with the end of her hair.

"Yeah." Emma took a drag of her cigarette. "You remember that kid from college?"

Regina's eyes widened. "The one who followed you around like a lovesick puppy?"

"Yeah, him." Emma chuckled. "He actually stayed and got a degree. Ran into him about a year after...us... and we got to talking. And then... well you know what they say, the rest was history. He takes care of me."

"He... takes care of you?" Regina turned to face Emma fully, now leaning on the car door. "I never thought you the type to want to be 'taken care of.'" Emma shrugged, and took another drag on her cigarette. "Well, I mean as long as you're happy, right?"

Emma scratched her brow and smiled, not saying anything. Regina smiled back, knowing fully well that Emma wasn't telling the entire truth. Emma had this tic, she always scratched her brow before she lied, and she clearly hadn't grown out of it, even after all these years.

"You look good." Regina said, her voice hardly above a whisper. "I forgot how blue your eyes were. It's like not even a day has gone by."

Emma closed her eyes and sighed, downing the rest of her drink. A look somewhere between doubt and gratitude crossed Emma's face. "Thank you." She opened her eyes and looked at Regina. "You look great too. If I didn't know better I'd say you look younger than the last time I saw you."

"That's nice of you to say." Regina looked out the window at the snow that was falling around them, coating the windshield with a light dusting.

"I'm serious." Emma opened up a second can of cider. "I've seen you in the music store you know. I still buy all your albums."

"Really?"

"Yeah. I always have to order them online because they sell out so fast in stores during the first few weeks. You must be doing well then. You're on tour now, right?"

"Mhmm." Regina picked a piece of imaginary lint off her jacket.

"How's that going?"

They were venturing back into 'small talk' territory, and it made Regina's heart clench. No matter how they teased each other, they would never be able to get back to where they were. "It's fun. I've always loved touring, you know that. The traveling is getting to me though. I'm never in one place for more than a couple days. I don't really have a _home_ , which is… I don't know. Don't get me wrong though, I still love it." Regina finished the last of her drink and promptly opened another one.

While the drink in question wasn't up to her usual standards, it was doing in the job, and somewhere during her second drink she started to feel slightly tipsy.

"I miss it you know." Emma stubbed out the end of her cigarette on her dashboard, and threw it out the window.

"What?"

"Us. You, me, and the tour trail. I miss the rush. I miss seeing new places. I miss not knowing where the world was going to take us the next day. I miss the unpredictability."

Regina was quiet, looking down and fidgeting with the warming can in her hands. "That can't be true. That's exactly why you left."

"I know," Emma conceded. "It felt like the right decision at the time, and it probably was, but... I still miss it. We were perfect." She was looking outside, staring beyond the snow at nothing in particular.

"Don't say things like that." Regina whispered. "Please."

"I'm sorry."

The women sat in silence again. The ghosts of their past were running rampant in the car, the air thick with missed opportunities and broken promises.

Regina was on her third drink now, her tongue feeling looser than it probably should be. "I miss you too." Emma smiled at her, but this time it felt real. "I don't think I ever stopped missing you. I thought... I thought I didn't. But seeing you today... I do. But you know what they say, a relit cigarette never tastes the same."

Emma nodded, but she didn't say anything further.

Regina put her can down in the cup holder between them and looked at the clock glowing from the dashboard. "Anyways... I should probably get going, it's late."

"Oh." Emma tried, and failed, to not look horribly dejected. "I can drive you."

"My house is around the corner, I can walk, it's alright." Regina fidgeted with her phone, turning it over in her hands.

"Regina, don't feel like you have to go."

"It's not that." Regina said, maybe a bit too quickly. "It's just... late."

"Regina." Emma inclined her head towards the clock on the dashboard, which just struck midnight. "Merry Christmas." Emma reached across the armrest and captured Regina's lips in a kiss.

The brunette gasped, only for a second, before she was kissing her back. Lips moving across each other's just like after their first date; soft, tentative, questioning.

They kissed beneath the flickering of the liquor store's neon sign, time both standing still, and rushing by them. Emma tasted like cigarettes and cheap cider, but it made her head swim nonetheless. If she had their way, they would stay inside Emma's car forever.

Regina reluctantly broke off the kiss, reason getting the better of her. "Merry Christmas Emma."

Regina got out of the car, walking back to the trunk that Emma opened so she could retrieve her groceries. "Hey!" Emma jumped out of the car, leaving the driver's side open. "When are you back in town?"

Regina looked at her phone, as if the answer to Emma's question was written on the home screen of her iPhone. "I don't know... another six, seven years?"

Emma nodded. "Well, see you then?"

"Yeah, maybe."

Emma took Regina's hand in hers. "I know this is going to sound stupid, and you're just going to say I drank too much and that's why I'm saying it, but… no matter where life takes us, there's always going to be a part of me that'll still love you. And I wish I told you that all those years ago but… I'm saying it now."

Regina closed her eyes, inhaling sharply to stave off the flood of emotions that was bubbling up inside her. "Please, don't say that." Regina fixed Emma with a steely gaze, pulling her hand away. "Tell your _husband_ I said hi."

Emma nodded again, and started walking backwards towards her open car door. "Yeah okay. See ya." The blonde waved before getting in her car, shutting the door, and driving away.

Regina watched the taillights of Emma's Range Rover get smaller and smaller, until she turned a corner and disappeared into the night. Back to her family, whatever that looked like. Just for a moment she was taken back to a night six years ago. She was twenty-one again, the night that Emma had her Volkswagen delivered to a tour stop, and she packed up her things, and left. Regina had begged with her to make it work, but Emma said she couldn't live life on the road like a wanderer anymore.

Regina waited out in the cold that night for hours, just staring down the street, hoping Emma's little car would reappear again, and she would throw her arms around her and tell her that it was a stupid mistake.

Of course, that didn't happen then. And it didn't happen tonight either. Regina stood in the liquor store parking lot, with her groceries growing heavy in her hands. The pain of their breakup came back again, renewed and raw.

Turning towards her house (she definitely wouldn't call it a home), Regina chastised herself for even stopping Emma in the store; she should have ignored her and gone on her way; it's not like the night could have ended any differently. As she walked down Main Street with the snow crunching under her feet, passing houses and businesses that were cornerstones in her childhood, the snow that had been falling all night turned into pouring rain, soaking through her fabric coat.

A notification lit up her phone, and she used her hand to shield the screen from the falling rain.

 _Tour stop changed: you need to fly out tomorrow afternoon instead of the 26th. Your flight has already been changed, and someone will pick you up from your Mother's house at 1pm._

 _-G._

Another message came in not even a minute later.

 _P.S. Merry Christmas_

Regina reached her empty house, flicking on the light. There was no Christmas tree, there was hardly any furniture. She'd be gone again tomorrow, so it wasn't like it mattered.

Merry Christmas indeed.

* * *

 **February 1st – Seattle, Washington**

Regina practically fell out the back door of the venue she had just performed in, still high off of the crowd's energy. She smiled and waved to her manager as she left, who just scowled at her in return. He'd be there long after she crawled into bed, he always was. There were a few fans waiting for her, as there always were, but much less than would be at her summer shows.

She signed a few autographs for the people waiting by the stage door, taking photos with fans that had shaky hands, either from the cold, the adrenaline, or both. It was when her bodyguard told them to ' _move along now_ ' that they reluctantly left.

"Hope you guys had a great night!" Regina called after them, with a jovial wave of her hand.

She turned to walk to her rental car, and that's when she saw her. Standing under the lone working streetlight, bathed in flickering yellow light; she was wearing a brown leather jacket with a wool-lined collar, the closest she would ever get to a winter jacket.

Regina blinked a few times, convinced she was seeing things. Her bodyguard's voice snapped her out of her trance.

"I said–" Regina cut him off with a sharp wave of her hand.

"I'll talk to her."

Regina walked up to the blonde, tilting her head in confusion.

"What are you–?"

"I'm not, you know."

Regina stopped a few feet from Emma, confusion evident on her face. "You're not… what are you talking about?"

"Happy. You asked me if I was happy, on Christmas Eve. I thought I was. I told myself day after day that I was, and I thought that if I said it enough, one day it would be true. But I'm not. I haven't been _truly_ happy since the day I left. I fucked up Regina."

Regina shook her head, laughing. "I… I have a phone you know. You travelled across the _country_ to tell me that?" She smiled, pulling her jacket tighter around her, before lowering her voice. "What are you _really_ doing here?"

"I don't know… I'm not happy, you're… well I don't know if you're happy, and it's your birthday, but I just… I just wanted to say that." Emma turned to walk away.

"Wait!"

The blonde stopped in her tracks.

"Do you… want to grab a drink or something?"

The smile that split across Emma's face seemed like it lit up the entire block. "Only if you let me drive."

Regina fished the car keys out of her pocket, and tossed them to her bodyguard. "I'll see you at the hotel tomorrow, okay?"

The man caught the keys just before they hit the ground. "But miss…" Regina raised an eyebrow at him, and he just shrugged and walked away. "If you need anything, you know how to find me."

"Mhmm." Regina turned back to Emma, "Where did you park?"

"Just around the corner." Emma gestured with her head, inviting Regina to follow her. They walked down the sidewalk in comfortable silence, until Regina saw the beast of a car double-parked in the middle of the street.

"That was risky," Regina nodded towards Emma's illegally parked car.

The blonde shrugged. "I figured one way or another, I wouldn't be here too long." They climbed into her car, and Emma turned on the GPS. "Where's the nearest bar?"

Regina shot her an incredulous glance, "How would I know?"

"Fair point."

So they drove. They drove up and down the streets of downtown Seattle, trying to find a bar that didn't look too seedy, finally settling on a bar called Canon. The bouncer, instantly recognizing Regina, ushered them into a private booth in the back.

"Look at you, getting VIP treatment," Emma said as she sat down. "Gone are the days of _begging_ to get into a place like this right at last call."

Regina hummed in agreement. The waiter came over and took their orders; a beer for Emma and an apple martini for Regina. Their drinks arrived moments later, and as soon as the waiter was out of earshot, Emma blurted out, "I left him."

Regina froze, her drink halfway to her lips. "What?"

"Well… kind of." Emma amended. "I told him I needed space, but I made it pretty clear he's probably not going to hear from me."

"And?" Regina took a sip of her martini, trying to steady her breath and slow her heart that was threatening to beat right out of her chest.

"He told me I was starting to bore him anyways." Emma shrugged.

Regina's grip tightened on the glass, threatening to break it, "Bastard."

"Yeah well… I always seem to attract the shitty ones…" Emma trailed off, staring intently at her glass. "Except you. With you I actually got something right."

The brunette smiled. "So what now?"

Emma shrugged. "I don't know… go to my parents? I don't have much else going for me, I have no marketable skills, no _degree_ … I don't know. I imagine my husband is going to cancel my credit cards soon enough, once he realizes I'm not coming back."

Regina bristled at the mention of the half-wit that let Emma walk out of his life, drinking the rest of her martini in a few quick gulps. "Well, you've got quite a drive ahead of you then." She wouldn't show how much it hurt, having Emma waltz back into her life, only to leave yet again. The irony wasn't lost on her, that she was doing the exact same thing Emma's husband did. But the way she saw it, if Emma wanted to come back, she would, but it wasn't her place to make her.

Emma followed suit, downing the rest of her beer. Regina opened her wallet and fished out a few bills. "I never paid you back for Christmas," she said by way of explanation.

The two women left the bar, walking down the cold, silent street to where Emma had parked. After giving Emma directions to her hotel, Regina didn't say another word, staring out the window at the people still milling about Seattle, even this late at night. When they pulled up to the hotel, Regina hardly waited for the car to stop before jumping out of the front seat.

"Regina, wait." The brunette stopped, halfway to the hotel's doors as Emma hopped out of the car. "I'm an idiot."

The corner of Regina's mouth ticked up ever-so-slightly, much to her chagrin. "Well I could have told you that."

"No I mean I… I packed a bag."

Regina tilted her head, unsure where the conversation was going. "Well for a cross-country road trip, I'd sure hope so."

"No, I mean…" Emma rubbed the back of her neck, a blush coloring her cheeks more than the cold already had. "I was serious when I said I missed the road… that I missed you."

Regina let out a surprised ' _oh_.'

"I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous but… can I come with you? At least for a bit?"

Shocked was an understatement. Regina's brain was running a mile a minute, trying to come up with an answer, _anything_ that would make sense. Instead she just stammered "What… about your car?"

Emma looked taken aback by that question. "Um… have it sent to my parents I guess?"

Regina considered this for a moment, trying her damnedest to crush the hope she felt blooming in her chest. It was a horrible idea to open herself up like this again, yet she found herself nodding. "Okay."

Emma smiled, letting out a breath that she had been holding for far too long.

"I only have one hotel room for the night though." Regina said, eyeing the blonde to gauge her reaction.

She raised her eyebrows, her smile turning to a smirk, "Like that's ever stopped us before."


End file.
